The Minnesota Farm Woman

A few weeks ago, HE came home with a present. Since we have been married for thirty-hundred years, my heart did not start the pitter-patter of excitement that so many of you may have when your beloved showers you with tokens of his everlasting love. I knew it would not be jewelry or Belgian chocolate, so I was really not surprised at all  that my “gift” was a ceiling fan duster.  Long, long ago, and in another life, I had a cleaning lady. Every other week, I would come home to a sweet-smelling, spotlessly clean home with the vacuum cleaner marks all going the same way on the carpet.  One sad day after she left a note asking for extra money to dust the ceiling fans, HE decided with his darned old practical self that we had other more important things to spend our money on like college educations and house payments. “We’ll all pitch in and help with the cleaning!” he said.  Right.  I need a Hazel.  I need to have someone, even a snoopy someone like Hazel, to cook and clean while I flit off to Garden Club meetings like Mrs. Baxter often did.  Mike and Carol’s Alice was just like a member of their family, and after raising six bratty Brady Bunchers, would probably not even blink an eye at chicken manure being tracked into the house.  Hop-Sing kept things running smoothly at Ben Cartwright’s ranch.  They never revealed this on TV, but can you imagine the dirty stinky laundry there was to do in that house full of sweaty men?  I don’t have as much money as George and Louise Jefferson, so I probably couldn’t pay Florence quite what she was earning, but she could have a nice room in the country with hollyhocks right outside her window, and wouldn’t have to put up with George’s mouth. The same goes for Richie Rich’s Cadbury, and I’m sure he would love to be able to wear jeans instead of that penguin suit he has to wear night and day at the Rich mansion.  Maxwell Sheffield’s sarcastic lip-curling Niles cleaned, cooked, and snooped and would probably do just fine here until I brought in yet another huge head of cabbage from the garden and asked him to come up with something new and interesting for dinner.  I wondered if Batman’s Alfred would find it boring here in the quiet north woods, but he is pretty old anyhow and is probably looking forward to retirement. I would be willing to offer him some part-time work to supplement his Social Security.  I thought about perhaps offering a job to Mr. Belvedere, Mrs. Garrett, or Benson, but I’m not sure how they would feel about shoveling snow off the front porch from November until April. I really think the best person for the job would be Lurch.  Lurch is by far the perfect choice.  Not only would he scare away the bears, coyotes, and wolves, he is tall enough to dust the ceiling fans.