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For once, I had few plans for Saturday. Since I no longer have a huge garden and switched to a few raised beds, spending my days off weeding and/or canning are days of the past. Still, I wanted to make a batch of giardenieria (hot Italian pickled vegetables with olives) and since my raised bed cucumbers were producing well, perhaps a jar or two of refrigerator pickles. I had stopped at the farmer’s market on Friday and picked up a head of cauliflower, fresh garlic, and stalks of dill that were almost as tall as I was. My generous neighbor, who let me come and pick enough green beans from his garden to can a few jars for winter, dropped off a large bucket of cucumbers, and since a real Farm Woman never lets anything go to waste, I now had plans for Saturday. Big plans. From past experience, my canned pickles are so bad that even the chickens won’t eat them, but my refrigerator dills are delicious, do that’s all I ever make. I turned on a TV series I have been taping to keep me company while I worked. The original Perry Mason series is a film noir type of murder mystery/lawyer/detective show in black and white and is one of my favorite TV shows of all time. Season two, which I am currently watching, is from 1958, the year I was born. I watched and listened as I sterilized jars and scrubbed cucumbers. The voices of Perry Mason, Della Street, and Paul Drake were so familiar that I didn’t even have to have my eyes glued to the TV screen. After the first gallon of pickles was packed, I realized that I had enough to make another gallon, and was amazed that Perry and private detective Paul Drake could figure it out so well without smart phones and computers. After that gallon was packed, I realized I had enough to make four quarts of a fermented New York style dill pickle recipe that I had been wanting to try. After they were packed, I took a break to make the giardenieria, wondered if Della Street ever went home, then sliced more cucumbers and onions for a quick pickle for supper. If I didn’t know better, I would swear these cucumbers were multiplying as quickly as the corpses that Perry always seemed to find before Detective Tragg got to the crime scene. Two gallons plus four quarts plus six Perry Masons plus a quick pickle plus a half gallon of giardenieria plus two bags of leftover cucumbers in the fridge. District Attorney Hamilton Burger always lost his case, and still showed up every week to try again. I should use his example and try canning dill pickles one more time. After all, it will use up those extras and nothing will go to waste. It is no mystery that it must be a good year for cucumbers and that after all that work, this Farm Woman needs a nap. I hope I dream in black and white.

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A recent fishing trip with our grandson made me realize something. Five year olds learn by asking questions, and they certainly ask a LOT of questions: “Why do fish breath water to live and die when they breathe air?” As the daughter of a biologist, Google and I could have easily explained the anatomy and physiology of the lake perch, which happened to be all we were catching that day, but Max was already busy thinking of the next question: “When we fish with worms, do they really want to die?” Tough one. It is really too bad he doesn’t like to answer questions as much as he likes to ask them, though. A recent exchange with his mother went something like this: Max’s Mom: “What did you do at preschool today? Did you learn anything new?” Max: “Mommy. I just. I just can’t answer all these questions. My brain needs rest. It’s too many questions. I just gotta sit in quiet with no more questions.” When I was a young night shift nurse, my five year old niece thought about it a long time before asking, “So, if I sleep at night when you’re awake and if you sleep during the day when I’m awake, when you have a bad dream, is it called a daymare?” That curious young lady grew up to be a college professor of anatomy and physiology. I think Max will grow up to be a successful veterinarian who talks to animals, just like Dr. Dolittle. How do I know this? He spent a lot of our fishing trip laying in the bottom of the pontoon talking to the container of worms and using his best squeaky worm voice: “You don’t really want to die, do you? ” Sigh. I think the next time we’ll use artificial bait. Maybe we’ll even catch something besides perch.

HE thinks it was a hawk or an eagle. I think it was pack of salivating rabid wolves with red eyes. Whatever it was, there was nothing left of my poor chicken but a scattering of feathers near the back field. I had a hard time rounding them up that evening. A few were huddled in the pole building, a few in the coop. One went so far as to scoot into a corner as far as she could go. I talked to her softly, trying to soothe her fright, and she looked back at me as if she understood my words. I checked the corners of the coop for predators. Raccoons, weasels, and even skunks will kill chickens. Hawks, eagles, and salivating rabid wolves, too. Sadly, I counted fourteen. Down two. I herded the frightened stragglers in and locked the coop down tight for the night. I checked the long grass by the creek, in case by some miracle they were alive. I whistled down the rows of corn, tall as I am. They usually come when I whistle. I sat on the back steps until it was dark. Sadly, I went inside. Fourteen. Later, I thought I would check one more time, so ventured outside with a flashlight. Looking for a black chicken in the dark is kind of like looking for a needle in a haystack, but I found her, huddled up against the big old garage that shares a wall with the coop. Fifteen. I smiled as I shooed her inside, trying to get her into the coop by way of the back door. Having witnessed the recent tragedy, she was skittish and wouldn’t go in. Standing in the middle of that old garage, I was skittish myself, having awakened a bat by turning the light on, and he was flying around and around the rafters. My mind could have been playing tricks on me, but I swear that bat was salivating and probably rabid, and it had red eyes. I left them both inside the old garage, safe for the night. Bats do not kill chickens, but could possibly cause an old Farm Woman to die of fright by flying too close to her head. The next morning, she scooted right inside about the same time that the corner-hiding hen was taking her last breaths. Probably died of fright…or old age. Back to fourteen again, and in the blink of an eye, too. Life is short, even more so for chickens. I’m glad the last words she heard were kind ones.

The fitness tracker that I wear on my wrist recently bit the dust. It was a gift from my very fit daughter and son-in-law, who own a gym. I liked it just fine, and yes, it is possible that she was switched at birth. It was easy to use, easy to program, and had an matching app that I downloaded to my smart phone. It kept track of the number of steps I took each day and how many hours I slept each night. By the way, neither the steps I took nor the hours I slept were ever enough. Looking for a new one was harder than one might imagine. What size screen would I like? Should it track calories, steps, sleep, AND notify me of texts to my phone? Well, no, thank you. I have a phone that I paid way too much money for that already notifies me of texts. Since I don’t give two hoots or a holler about knowing the exact second I receive a text, I turned the notification sound off right away. What I wanted in a fitness tracker was just what I had, but after three years and advances in modern technology, it was impossible to find. I am also pretty cheap…er…frugal. It is bad enough that my phone cost more than a few cars I have purchased in my life, and I just don’t want to pay a lot for something that is really just a glorified wristwatch. Finally, I found a similar one and syncronized it with my phone. It has a few more bells and whistles than the old one did, but I thought it would do just fine, and it did. It did until I noticed that one of the bells and/or whistles is a feature that gives off a soft “beep” if it senses that I am not moving enough. I haven’t figured out how turn that vexing little devil off yet, either, but I’m working on it. I almost wish that someone would invent a tracker that would give me an electric shock every time I opened the refrigerator. Now THAT, I would buy. In the meantime, please excuse me…I’m off to take another walk.

I’m somewhat embarrassed to admit that it has been a long time since I sat down and read a book from cover to cover. I used to be an avid reader, finishing at least two or three books a week. Nothing too intellectual for me, though. Notice that I didn’t say that nothing IS too intellectual for me. There is a big difference between the two. I prefer light mystery and humor, with an occasional bit of gardening or chicken rearing thrown in, and hopefully the latter has a bit of mystery and humor thrown in, too. Somehow, I’ve been bamboozled into the dark abyss of a device called a smart phone which makes me anything BUT smart, along with leading me into the temptation of social media. That, my friends, is a time-sucking brain-numbing thing which has no use except to put you in touch with long lost lost shirt-tail relatives and old acquaintenences, many of whom: A) Think that everyone wants to know their darkest thoughts about politics and those who don’t agree with their particular politics. B) Share recipes by the dozens for things they have never even attempted to make because how could they, when they spend so much time on social media? (Was that a statement or a question? Please see above about not being too intellectual.) C) Share WAY to much information, some of which only their priest should hear after being prefaced with the words “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.” Yes, I was reeled in….hook, line, and misspelled drama. Until my electricity got knocked out by an early morning storm, that is. No power means no lights, no TV, no WiFi, and even worse, NO COFFEE. Thanking my lucky stars for a motorhome with a generator, the coffee got made and I went back to the house, cup in one hand and phone in the other, until common sense settled in. Actually, it was Barney the Chihuahua who settled in, putting himself between me and the phone. He doesn’t like it much. Besides, I didn’t want to drain the battery and have to trek out to the camper to fire up the generator to charge it up again. That wouldn’t be very intellectual, either. With nothing else to do, I picked up a book and started on page one. It was one of those grab-you-from-the-start-laugh-out-loud novels, a gift from my daughter who knows I love this particular author. Strangely enough, it was just like meeting up with an old friend. No power also means peace and quiet in the house. There were no sounds from the TV, no hum of the refrigerator, and only the peaceful snore of an old dog in my lap which was more comforting than disturbing. In fact, when the power returned three hours later, I was so engrossed in the book that it didn’t really matter. I got nothing else done that day, until after I turned the last page. Some of you might say I just substituted one time-sucking brain-numbing thing for another, but I actually felt refreshed and energized, and even managed to make dinner and tackle a few weeds in the garden that evening. I think I need to be powerless a little more often.

Many years ago, HE took a travelling job with Florida East Coast Railway. We talked about it, and although it wouldn’t be a piece of cake with our husband and father gone through the week and home only on the weekends, the job was a good one, so we would muddle through. I muddled through half of the first day, until I discovered that while I was at work, our dog killed two rats in the back yard and rolled in the remains of her conquests. Let’s just agree that 90 degree Florida heat and the entrails of dead rats do not make a pleasant combination. I buried the victims, scrubbed the dog, scrubbed myself, and felt a bit of pride that I was able to handle the type of crisis that I usually would call HIM to do. I had this. Yes, day two was going fine and dandy until I got home from work and discovered that the dog had dug up the corpses and rolled in the mess again. Let’s just agree once more, without all the gory details, that rat guts on the second day in 90 degree heat smell neither fine nor dandy. HE no longer works out of town, but we do occasionally take separate vacations. HE has a bucket list which includes watching a baseball game in every stadium in the good old USA. Although I like baseball, I don’t like it THAT much, so I am staying home with Barney the Chihuahua and 16 elderly laying hens. (Don’t tell HIM, but it is really a vacation for me, too.) I wasn’t worried. There are no rats around here, the mice don’t usually move in until fall, and my only job besides my regular job is to drive to our cabin and turn on the bilge pump in the boat in case it rains. The road to get there is one of those “minimum maintenance” Forestry roads, which really means NO maintenance, but I can make it with my all wheel drive unless it is really wet. Waving goodbye the morning he left, I headed for the necessary room and back to my bed. Except…the toilet broke. Not the first day or even the first hour, but the first minute he was gone. Just my luck. Thankfully, I know how to turn off the water and we have a second bathroom. Heck, we even have an outhouse in the back yard, and they don’t break…do they? No worries here. No worries except that ever since HE left, the heavens have opened up every day and we have had torrential rains. The lightening and thunder each night makes Barney bark, and I have had little sleep. The bilge pump has been run and will need to be run again soon. The road to the cabin is a sea of slippery muck and deep potholes, and I’m afraid to look in the basement because I know it will be wet, which will involve more work. I hope HIS vacation is going well. Mine? Not so great, but thanks for asking. Don’t worry though, I’m muddling through.

TV

Admittedly, we watch a lot of television. We have four TVs in our house. Yes, four. Don’t judge. Three are of the flat screen variety, and one old dinosaur in the guest bedroom is fat instead of flat and has both a VCR and DVD player in his belly. When we purchased it, it was top of the line. It is now pretty close to the bottom and will soon be replaced by something called a Smart TV. Apparently, a Smart TV is a hybrid TV that is a cross between a TV and a computer. It allows you to use apps and stream movies, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it baked and spit out a pizza on movie night. I am of that certain age who remembers the TV repairman coming to our house, or at least, carrying the “guts” of the black and white console TV in to the repair shop. Some families even had a huge console in their living room that had a TV, HiFi record player, and even a bar inside! Talk about kitschy. Televisions today are more or less disposable, and really, not that expensive. Our camper, which is kind of kitschy itself since it practically screams the style and colors of the 1990’s, came with two TVs. Both are small, boxy, and practically useless, since neither is digital and each would require a converter box to even get regular channels, which here in the north woods would number about two. A friend gave us a smaller used flat screen television to replace them, but no matter how I tried, the screen stayed locked on channel two. Are you counting? We are now up to SEVEN TVs, and you can add one more, as I just bought number eight yesterday. Number eight will replace numbers five, six, and seven in the camper. It is not a Smart TV, but by adding a little module attached to the plug in the back, it miraculously becomes one. I know this, not because I’m smart, but because I asked for directions. Sadly, gone are the days when you can plug it in, attach a cable or antenna wire, and turn it on. I now had to add a Smart Antenna that sticks on the window as well as the little miracle module, figure out how everything worked, and program in all my passwords for everything as well as scan for local channels. (Zero, since I am parked in the trees.) After blood, sweat, and a few naughty words, I was done, and it only took one weekend afternoon and half of another! I was tempted to stay in the camper and watch a little TV, but the sun was shining, and only a crazy woman would spend a beautiful Sunday afternoon sitting in a camper in her driveway watching TV, right? OK, I stayed for just one program, and frankly, was kind of waiting for it to mix me a cocktail . After all that, I deserved it.