The Minnesota Farm Woman

You’re not going to find a man whose socks don’t get dirty or who doesn’t snore. ~Helen Reddy

Why does it always happen that the spouse who snores the loudest is always the first one to fall asleep? I have heard from several women lately who complain about their husbands’ loud and obnoxious snoring which keeps them awake every night. As a medical professional, I must mention that most snoring, except that which is caused by too much beer and football, cannot be helped. No matter how much you may want to put a pillow over his face at three in the morning, it would neither be fair nor would it be the most practical remedy. Please note that I am not writing this from personal experience. HE doesn’t snore. Just ask him. He will tell you that he definitely doesn’t snore, then will try to get you off the subject by telling you about MY snoring. Don’t listen to him. If one thinks logically, the thundering sounds that wake me up every night must come from Barney the Chihuahua, who sleeps between us except when he’s hogging my side of the bed. The Chihuahua, not the husband. I was researching natural cures for snoring (for a friend, of course, NOT for our house *wink wink*) and there aren’t many. Most involve getting a sleep study followed by wearing a mask over your face or nose which forces air in and somehow through the miracles of modern medicine, prevents snoring. This is probably good for the snorer, but I wonder if it is it just another form of nighttime noise for the snoree? The uncomfortable-looking mouth guard that I found on the internet is probably cheaper at the low price of $29.95 plus shipping and handling costs, but would probably end up on the bedside table along with the package of those little thingies that stick on the nose. I learned that another helpful hint is to sing often and loudly. It is supposed to strengthen one’s throat muscles and open the air passages, which could decrease snoring, and it costs absolutely nothing. Nothing except your spouses sanity, I would guess. Moisturizing the air would be a good solution, but I have yet to find a humidifier that doesn’t sound like the engine of an 18-wheeler warming up on a cold winter’s morning. Keeping a kettle of water on the stove would certainly be a quieter solution to moister air, but involves remembering to refill the kettle before it becomes scorched and stinky and destined for the landfill because the aroma never quite goes away, leaving your afternoon cup of Earl Grey tasting like burnt tennis shoes. (I hope you can learn from my mistakes. There are many.) I encourage all of you to do your own research on the subject and I wish you the best of luck in your quest for a good night’s sleep.

Disclaimer: Since snoring is a touchy subject and can be embarrassing to some, please understand that the snorers in my story are not related to me in any way, nor are they married to my friends or my sister. And yes, I do know that “snoree” is not a word, but it should be.

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