The Minnesota Farm Woman

I had the pleasure of being a member of the cast of “The Great Northern Radio Show” yesterday.  Unless you count the epic sixth grade operetta, “The King’s Sneezes”, or singing in the church choir, I have never been a part of any type of production before, and thought it might be fun. I’ve known about it for some time, and rather than being nervous, I was looking forward to it.  Even the day before the production, I had a sense of eager anticipation.  All I had to do was read one of my own essays. Two, perhaps three minutes at the most.  No memorization involved, just a clear voice with good diction. Easy. I had to be there at early for dress rehearsal, and before leaving, I practiced my part aloud a few times.  What was happening to me?  When did my voice get so squeaky? Do I really sound like that?  During the drive, I said the words aloud and took deep breaths.  I think most of the other drivers on the road thought I was just singing along to the radio, but I did get a few strange looks here and there.  The dress rehearsal went fine, and we sat down to eat our catered lunch, provided by one of my favorite restaurants. They even had my favorite sandwich:  A vegetarian delight so stuffed with veggies and avocado that they call it “Holy Guacamole”.  I highly recommend it to anyone who is NOT going to be in their first stage production. I scarfed it down rather quickly out of both nervousness and hunger. As I waited for our production to begin, I started to sweat.  Did I remember to put on deodorant?  Did I smell like garlic? Did anyone notice?  I was surrounded by actors, speakers, radio announcers, and musicians, and the closer we got to showtime the more relaxed they looked. They became more animated. They laughed. They chatted with each other. Nobody appeared to be sweating.   Most of them were professionals and I was just a Farm Woman. A frumpy, sweaty old Farm Woman who smelled like a garlic clove and had a guacamole sandwich sitting  right in the middle of her stomach like a big green lump.  I drank more water. I sucked on a mint. I sweated some more. The actors and musicians were all fantastic, and the audience seemed to be enjoying the show. I moved closer to center stage, as my part was coming. My throat started tickling. Did I have to cough, or was my throat closing up?  I just knew I would stand in front of that center-stage microphone with the spotlight shining down and no words would come out. I would look like a giant walleye flopping around in the bottom of a boat, dripping wet with silent lips opening, closing, opening, and closing.  Worse yet, I would speak in a squeaky Minnie Mouse voice, everyone would laugh, and I would turn and run, tripping over the dozens of wires that ran across the stage.  Worst of all, I could…..oh, no…..not guacamole….ick!  An eternity and a half later, when they announced my name, I opened my mouth, and glory be, my own voice came out!  The audience did laugh, but they laughed in all the right places. Then they clapped.  They liked it!  Holy guacamole, they liked it! My three minutes of fame over, I headed home to feed the chickens and have a bite to eat.  Funny, my stomach felt just fine.   Don’t worry friends,  being on stage hasn’t changed me a bit.  Well, maybe one teeny-weeny change:  I think The Minnesota Farm Diva has a nice ring to it, don’t you?

KAXE Northern Community Radio 91.7 will be replaying the Great Northern Radio Show on July 6 at 10:00 a.m.